2017

 

I have managed to get my thoughts together, after surviving the agonizing anxiety of the first 2 days of the year. “What are your plans this year? Any resolutions? What do you think needs to change?” Even if (by some supernatural force of nature) I had all these answers I surely wouldn’t be comfortable sharing such personal information disguised as “small talk” so I awkwardly smile at my respectable elder and say “we’ll see”. Although clearly dissatisfied with my answer, they move on to asking my brother the exact same questions.

 

  1. Here we go again. To be honest I am none the wiser as to how one gets their shit together than I was a year ago. Actually I think the importance only lies in seeming to have your shit together. One thing I can say is that I know what I want the most. And what I want the most is to bring to light the things I love, to create, to imagine, to make, to write, to pour my truth into whatever the hell I will be doing and hope to God that’s enough.

 

Again. No expectations. Just willingness to make it through another year without losing my sanity completely. Here’s to (the appearance and/or actuality of) shit being together.

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It’s a wonderful thing 

Having unconventional skin 

Waking up 

And making a choice

To be different 

To be more of you than you were yesterday 

To hold eye contact

To not look down 

To not be intimidated by judgement 

To be a little free 

awaken.

  

You have been deteriorating

Before yourself 

That pain you couldn’t figure out before? 

That was your dreams being ripped out of your heart 

The suffocating consequence of concerning yourself with other people’s failures 

Surrounding yourself with small thinkers and small ideas and small men 

While all this time you have been a giant 

Squeezing yourself constantly into shrinking doors 

Until you started believing that’s where you belong 

Wake up 

Wake up child 

Stop wasting away 

And go do what you were meant to do

wanderer. part 1.

Part 1 of the photoshoot I did with the talented Elizabeth Emmanuel. I have never felt so free and comfortable with my body. Self acceptance is truly a spiritual experience.

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“Since childhood, we are told to hide, to keep our heads down and to act like part of the crowd.
Society expects us to be a certain way which may cause us to drift away from reaching our fullest potential. It builds fear, disbelief and suppresses our creativity.

What if one day, we decided to break the status quo and started living a little more, caring a little less and became wanderers?

Woman. According to the Oxford dictionary, a woman is defined as an “adult human female”. How would you define a woman? Let me rephrase that, do you feel the need to validate her?

Does a woman who does not require your validation translate into someone who is no longer giving into being “submissive”? Does that make her less of a lady, less beautiful, less desirable, less vulnerable, less capable of loving, or just a complete headache?

Does the moment she lacks an “emotional” response make her intimidating? Does she intimidate you?”

Words and Photography by ElleEmmanuelPhotography

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There is one lesson that has been taught to me loud and clear this year. Just be yourself. And I don’t think I got it until now (well not now now, that’s a lie but recently). Every decision I made, everything I did was so tirelessly calculated although I made it seem otherwise. I opened my heart to few… very very few and sat alone in darkness wishing for freedom. And you know what, I could have just given that freedom to myself.

I made so many mistakes (it is actually quite ridiculous) mostly because I was so conscious about what people thought about my decisions. But. WHY? Why did I even care, my decisions are well my decisions. I’m human, and I’m a woman. Sometimes the latter makes the world more judgemental towards me, sometimes it makes me more judgemental towards me, and I’m just so tired of taking myself so freaking seriously. So, now that I have ranted… this is what I wrote for myself for this new year…

There is no use.

No use of telling myself I’m going to do things I’m not sure I’ll get around to doing. So instead, I open my arms to the universe and say… COME AT ME!

I call upon blessings, but I will not be distracted if challenges come with them, I welcome love and I am ready for heartache, I invite friendship and won’t become bitter from loss. I will live in my own truth and won’t let my spirit be disarmed by others. I will say yes and no at my own discretion, loudly and clearly.

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that in such a cruel world I can still laugh with the wind and love fiercely. I am grateful that I am walking the path of my heart, and I call on God to show me his face. Every. Single. Day.

Happy new year. Happy new, naked, me.

 

Just Breathe

I have been telling myself I’m going to sit down and write my thoughts for waaaay too long now. I’m always busy, there is always something more important to do… life sometimes doesn’t give you a break to just sit down, breathe and reflect. This past weekend was probably the most stressful of my life, both my phones were ringing non-stop, people were asking me questions that didn’t need answers to, the weather was acting bi-polar and I was 100% sure my heart was just going to … stop. But it’s Tuesday and I’m still here and I’m still breathing.

I’ve had James Bay “let it go” on repeat for some time now, and yes it’s a sad breakup song but to me a few lines say more than just “break up song”. He says “I used to recognize myself It’s funny how reflections change, When we’re becoming something else I think it’s time to walk away.” …”Everything that’s broke Leave it to the breeze”.  I think there is a lot of truth in that, once you are in such a panic or such a state it makes you think ‘who the hell am I?’ its time to just breathe and step back for a moment. I have learnt i can’t fix everything, I can’t possibly control everything and some things are just not meant to be. So instead of worrying and losing brain cells trying to make everything perfect give it your best and chill.

Anyway. I really need to restructure this blog. Its just about as messy as my head  *note to self: organize blog and organize brain*

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